I wasnt ok. I can't say I didn't hate myself for eating all those cookies. I have to learn to deal with the guilt, or it will become loads of times bigger. But ALL I DIDNT WANT was to feel like this again.
I dont want to suffer anymore so please STOP
if no food is necessary to stop this pain I'll do it. I'll do anything
I'll swim like crazy, I'll go to the gym, anything just please get this out of meeeeeee
i'm so worthless
i'll have fat places in my body again and nobody will ever talk to me
at the same time i can see that this isnt right
i'm sick
i should get myself some treatment
but i dont even feel worthy of being called anorexic
i'm worthless

Sometimes I wonder why I keep doing this to myself.
I wonder if I don't like myself and why that is so. I haven't done anything wrong, and yet I keep punishing myself with food. I don't want food. I'm not hungry.
I don't know what to do, there's nobody to hear my screaming.

tomorrow, tomorrow yeah its a different day .
tomorrow it may change
maybe in a different day♪

have you ever felt as if your heart was broken in two pieces? i felt like that. 4 months ago.
And as I can't stand suffering, I automatically glued it with a tape, and made a weak, but functional, wound dressing. This band-aid was my e.d. Starving and doing diets made me feel prettier, fabulous, wonderful and better, as if I couldn't be appearing to suffer, since I was thinner, and prettier. Wrong.
I can't say it didn't work, and that I regret, because I don't. But that didn't make me look less damaged to others, and it started to freak me out. So, with my psychologist, I discovered that maybe my problem was exactly where I was avoiding to search: in my social relationships.
Losing weight it's absolutely easy when compared to dealing with my pain, with rejection, and with friendship and love issues. At least to me. So I started doing my nutricionist's diet plan and going to the gym a lot (because you can't get rid of the thin obsession like that) and I pushed myself a lot more to be more social.
It worked. I feel better, I don't feel rejected or unhappy at all. I'm so much more me, and more loved than I was before.
And I'm also thinner, and approved at school.
It's like my heart is finally getting a propper band-aid. Not a band-aid, but it is probably being healed, or getting stitches. I still feel pain, of course, but it is being overwhelmed by all the joy and peace of mind that is coming to me in this past few weeks.
I feel released, and you are NO better than my power of will.

positive posting

somehow i still hear you calling me
and i miss you so fucking badly that i cant even stand.
bu life goes on and untill friday i have to be strong and keep breathing huh? haha

my diet goes well, my mind goes will, i consider myself to have NO EATING DISORDER, but I still find skinny girls the most beautiful thing ever and this is STILL my goal.
i just chose a different path to reach it.

anyway, www.weheartit.com is the best website ever, you should try it. i spend hours just seeing nice photographs and i even think i should try it once. what do you think?
i've been doing this and on twitter the whole afternoon and although i know i have to study tomorrow i don't really feel like sleeping now.
i've done another orkut, after i had deleted that other one, cause i've decided that i'm mature enough to keep my fake profile and keep away from the ED, i know whats good for me and I actually like eating and losing weight together. and i'm even more energetic to do things i didnt have to do before, like washing the dishes, which burns calories!
you should also try this!

see you :*

ps: by new moon's release i HAVE to be fabulous. wish me luck!!

só agora eu começo a entender mais dessa doença.
voce pode tentar comer uma dieta saudável, que emagrece e você nao come demais, que você vai sentir que comeu demais e vai se odiar por isso. porque não é apenas o externo, o emagrecer, é passar fome que é importante pra me sentir bem .
como uma penitência.
nao sei nem se é a fome, porque quando eu mastigo e cuspo, eu me sinto tao mal como se tivesse comido!


refleti sobre isso enquanto mastigava 1 pedaço de pizza, 1 pedaço de bolo, uma tortinha de chocolate, um quindim, um doce de chantilly e chocolate e morango com chocolate. tudo do que sobrou do aniversário da minha mãe, que eu quis comer ontem mas nao pude. tenho vergonha de comer em publico...

vocês nao tem noção do sentimento terrível que me bateu assim que eu terminei de mastigar tudo.

CREDO.
nunca mais farei isso.

about hateness and food

definitivamente a pior parte de viver com a anna são as mentiras.
eu já acordo falando mentira. minto pra minha mae falando que acordei com cólica ou enjoada e nao preciso de café da manhã. no almoço ou minto pra empregada falando que vou comer no quarto e jogo a comida fora ou minto pros meus amigos falando que sou vegetariana (essa parte é vdd) e que nao quero comer no subway (daria tudo pra comer no subway) e vou num restaurante natural lá perto comer alface.
minto a tarde falando que nao quero lanchar, to sem fome, e como no máximo meia maçã.
minto a noite falando que me empanturrei no escolar e nao aguento comer nada de jantar quando estou morrendo de fome e fraqueza, e quero MUITO comer.

é o preço da nossa doença.
e isso é uma doença. hoje fui tentar fazer uma dieta saudável, porque minha psicóloga diz que ana é suicidio, vc nao comer é suicidio, vc fica sem vitaminas, sem isso, sem aquilo.
ela sao nao fala a parte que vc fica sem banhas, sem insegurança, sem excesso! você fica livre!
comi tanta salada, e me sinto tao cheia, de frutas, de mussarela de búfala, tomate seco, tomate isso, tomate aquilo, QUE NOJO DE MIM!

ana pode ter seus momentos ruins mais eu nunca me sinto mal quando estou de lf ou nf..
to só esperando dar 00:30 pra poder dormir, e esperando meus pais dormirem pra poder fazer meus 100 abdominais e ir pesar na minha balança doida.

bjbj meninas :*

lame

anyway i took it as a compliment
cause i needed to feel wanted
cause i needed to be rewarded
for all the hours i starved
but nobody noticed
not even myself
so we have to try harder
if we ever want to reach
ever..

I just hope someday they'll be able to see me and be proud, or feel like i'm finally worthy of respect.like i'm finally pretty, that i have no defect at all for them to laugh about.i know its all just a big joke and that maybe i didnt even need to be doing all this but i just cant help liking the results.

she's much more skinny than I am and she eats ice cream as if they were vegetables she could eat freely, without being scared of her own body in the mirror the following day.She doesnt gain one single pound by doing so.and i just have to sit and watch if I ever want to be light as a butterfly.
yes i could be lovely. its all up to me
desculpem pelo post em inglês, minhas emoções saem mais facil assim, e ficam mais bonitas sem serem traduzidas.
this place is in between insane and insecure ♪
you auctioned off your life
for the "most" expensive price
going once...going twice...now it's gone
green day describes me

and start all over..

apaguei TODOS os meus posts, vou começar tudo denovo .
antes eu nao admitia que eu tenho um problema, e vinha com aquele papo de emagrecimento saudável. eu nao to aqui pra enganar ninguem, eu tenho um disturbio alimentar.
pode ate nao ser anorexia ou bulimia, mais algum eu tenho.
simplesmente nao é normal passar 90% do seu tempo planejando dietas, contando calorias e se exercitando mais do que deveria.
mais é a válvula de escape que eu acho, então fodas.

mesmo com o aniversario de criança e a ida a churrascaria que minha familia me obrigou a ir eu manti minha lf de 400, i'm very happy. amanhã = exercícios.
maybe i do it for fun, or to call attention.
whatever this is, i'm all over it already.