I wasnt ok. I can't say I didn't hate myself for eating all those cookies. I have to learn to deal with the guilt, or it will become loads of times bigger. But ALL I DIDNT WANT was to feel like this again.
I dont want to suffer anymore so please STOP
if no food is necessary to stop this pain I'll do it. I'll do anything
I'll swim like crazy, I'll go to the gym, anything just please get this out of meeeeeee
i'm so worthless
i'll have fat places in my body again and nobody will ever talk to me
at the same time i can see that this isnt right
i'm sick
i should get myself some treatment
but i dont even feel worthy of being called anorexic
i'm worthless

Sometimes I wonder why I keep doing this to myself.
I wonder if I don't like myself and why that is so. I haven't done anything wrong, and yet I keep punishing myself with food. I don't want food. I'm not hungry.
I don't know what to do, there's nobody to hear my screaming.

tomorrow, tomorrow yeah its a different day .
tomorrow it may change
maybe in a different day♪

have you ever felt as if your heart was broken in two pieces? i felt like that. 4 months ago.
And as I can't stand suffering, I automatically glued it with a tape, and made a weak, but functional, wound dressing. This band-aid was my e.d. Starving and doing diets made me feel prettier, fabulous, wonderful and better, as if I couldn't be appearing to suffer, since I was thinner, and prettier. Wrong.
I can't say it didn't work, and that I regret, because I don't. But that didn't make me look less damaged to others, and it started to freak me out. So, with my psychologist, I discovered that maybe my problem was exactly where I was avoiding to search: in my social relationships.
Losing weight it's absolutely easy when compared to dealing with my pain, with rejection, and with friendship and love issues. At least to me. So I started doing my nutricionist's diet plan and going to the gym a lot (because you can't get rid of the thin obsession like that) and I pushed myself a lot more to be more social.
It worked. I feel better, I don't feel rejected or unhappy at all. I'm so much more me, and more loved than I was before.
And I'm also thinner, and approved at school.
It's like my heart is finally getting a propper band-aid. Not a band-aid, but it is probably being healed, or getting stitches. I still feel pain, of course, but it is being overwhelmed by all the joy and peace of mind that is coming to me in this past few weeks.
I feel released, and you are NO better than my power of will.